Saturday, August 09, 2003

How 'Bout Them Cowboys Update

I tried for half a minute to get excited about Bill Parcells, but the sad truth is Jerry Jones is still in Texas and worse, he still owns the Cowboys. To sum up my feelings about Jones, I never once considered buying Texas Monthly in my life until they hopped onto my page and featured Jerry Jones as the devil on their cover. Hoo-Yaw! I framed it. Why can't that blasted man go back to Arkansas where he belongs?

In other football news, I've been drafted to research the fantasy football team situation this year, because Mr. G said he was going to be busy with work. I ran our league for three years, but it was two years ago before I had to get serious about my children going to college, so all my knowledge is obsolete, to say the least. Commentary is welcome if anyone reading this has any great picks. Otherwise, I'm going to spend the bulk of next week researching on the net. The good news is I have Viagra to help me and the bad news is I have Viarga to help me.

Religion Update

I'm sure many of you, read Gran, have wondered why I haven't written much regarding religion. The simple truth is as a professional knit-picker and a life-long insider, I tend to be more negative than positive about the state of the church in the 21st century. One of my dad's sayings sums up my feelings on the modern church: Your actions are so loud I can't hear what you're saying! In short, most of what I commented on would be critical of church people, but I'm not critcal toward God, so I hate to comment. That said, I really enjoy reading Donald Sensing's commentary because he's thought provoking and while reading today I found this excellent diatribe over at LILEKS:

This story has irritated me from the start, and it has nothing to do with Rev. Robinson's sexual orientation. The guy left his wife and kids to go do the hokey-pokey with someone else: that's what it's all about, at least for me. Marriages founder for a variety of reasons, and ofttimes they're valid reasons, sad and inescapable. But "I want to have sex with other people" is not a valid reason for depriving two little girls of a daddy.....

My thoughts exactly. His isn't supposed to be a religious column, but in my opinion, it was on this day. Scroll down to the bold lettering that begins with Perhaps I... or do what I do most days and read the whole thing.

California's Wacky Race for Governor Update

Forget the politicians. Forget Gary Coleman, Larry Flint, and Arnold. Now Erotic actress Mary Carey, 22, has launched her own bid for the governorship:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has to face a new type of political rival in his attempt to become governor of California - a porn star.

The Double D Dolls star is trying to woo voters by cracking down on gun crime.

She is running for office on a "porno for pistols" ticket - offering people a pornographic movie for every gun they hand in.

This thing has turned into a laugh a minute. I can't wait to see what happens next. Maybe Larry Flint and Ms. Carey will forgo a televised debate and mud-wrestle.

New Exercise Plan

The G family is contemplating the purchase of a boat. It was so hot at the coast that even fish were too lethargic to be bothered, so Mr. G talked to boat salesmen. By mutual agreement, I do not talk to salesmen anymore because I either infuriate them or scare them into running to the manager's office to bring out the big boss.

As the guys debated the size of the boat and the motion of the ocean, it occured to me that this boat idea was going to help me lose 10 lbs. Really. My sister always says it would be easy to be svelte if she could hire a personal trainer to nag her into a daily torture routine. The theory being no one is going to argue with Billy Blanks when he shows up on the doorstep and opens up a can of Tae-Bo on your couch potato fanny.

Now I can't afford Billy, but I do posess three little nags and if we buy a boat they will nag, nag, nag about going to the lake to ski every single day. So I'll be looking at that boat, fretting about how much it cost every single day, and I'll feel guilty for throwing away good money if we don't use it at least 2 or 3 times a week. That practically guarantees we'll go skiing 2 or 3 times a week. I also know for a fact that I have never seen a plump water skier. With all of this in mind, I don't see why on earth I won't lose 10 lbs.

I beta-tested this "nag me to exercise plan" Thursday night and allowed myself to be nagged into going bowling. We bowled 5 games and I achieved exactly the same results as with my first and last video session with Billy Blanks. In technical terms, I can barely walk, but on the plus side I won't have to fight the compulsion to deliver a snappy right cross to anyone who disagrees with me.

From Gitmo With Love

Just in case you've missed this article: Russian Mother Pleads for Son to Stay in Guantanamo:

A Russian mother said that conditions in Russian jails are so awful that she would prefer her son remain in the "humane" conditions of the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay.

Feel free to insert your own punch line!

Iraq 'supplied al-Qaeda with WMDs':

A HIGH-RANKING al-Qaeda operative in custody disclosed that Iraq supplied the Islamist militant group with material to build chemical and biological weapons, the White House said today.

"A senior al-Qaeda terrorist, now detained, who had been responsible for al-Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan, reports that al-Qaeda was intent on obtaining (weapons of mass destruction) assistance from Iraq," the White House said in a report.

Found this over at InstaPundit. Interesting.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Gray Davis Selected for Termination?
"Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former Mr. Universe who became a millionaire superstar in action movies, announced Wednesday he would run for governor, setting the stage for a tumultuous two-month campaign to unseat Democratic incumbent Gray Davis."

Even if he loses, I'm sure he'll be bauuck.

On a Brighter Note
KCNC: West Nile In Colorado: 4 Dead, 111 Infected:
DENVER (KCNC/AP) "Three more people have died of complications from the West Nile Virus, bringing the statewide total to four, health officials said Wednesday."

I'll just ponder all the mosquito bites I acquired in Colorado as soon as I run out of things to fret about in the wee, dark hours of the night!

Wedding Update

We had a great time this weekend. Friday night we met all of Mr. G's family and cooked out. The siblings told stories on each other and their dad and we spent the majority of our time laughing. Saturday before the wedding, our family went to The Fort Worth Stockyards Historic District and the three youngest kids rode a mechanical bull. It was an expensive 8 seconds, needless to say. Then we toured Billy Bob's Texas and the girls and I duded ourselves up in hats and chaps and had our picture made on top of a fake bull.

The bull's body was twice as long as it should have been in order to accomodate as many as 7 "bull riders", so in our picture we look like 4 girls riding a giant, bucking wienie dog with horns. I was planning to post pictures of our many adventures, but in every single picture I look like I need to lose 10 lbs. I cannot imagine what is wrong with my camera, but as soon as I have that pesky problem fixed, I'll get those pictures right up!

Before we left the hotel for the wedding, we all killed time by watching the movie "Footloose", which didn't seem all that noteworthy at the time. Amazingly, because this is my wacky life, it was important. The wedding and the bride were both beautiful and we all trooped back to the reception hall for BBQ. A DJ had been hired for the evening and after the food was served the music cranked up and so did Victory. Mr. G and I weren't really paying attention and it was about 10 minutes before we realized that everyone was gaping at the stage.

We stared bug-eyed as Victory, alone on that stage, put on an eye-popping imitation of Willard from "Footloose", but before he learns to dance. He even attempted to throw in some Micheal Jackson moves, including, but not limited to, the Robot. When Mr. G finally stopped laughing, he marched over and told little "Willard" to get down off that stage right this minute! Victory wowed the crowd by leaping into the air like a redneck Barishnikov and landed on the dance floor, in cowboy boots, not once having stopped shaking his groove thing.

He danced to every song the DJ played for 3 hours straight, kept the crowd entertained, and was never once interested in anything so conventional as dancing with a girl. For the purposes of this blog, my youngest son's nickname is forever "Willard".

We loved getting to know all the family and they are all great people, but I'll be extremely surprised if we are invited back to the next family event.

We Liked Colorado

I knew I was going to like Colorado as soon as we crossed the state line and the speed limit sign read 75 MPH. Colorado has a sensible approach to speed limits. If the road is fairly straight and the countryside is sparsely populated, it's 75 MPH. If the road weaves it's way up a mountain and the only thing between my car and a 2000 ft. drop off a cliff is a spaghetti strap of a shoulder, the speed limit is 45 MPH. This struck me as reasonable since I wasn't trying to film Thelma and Louis Do the Rockies.

Colorado also has a sensible approach to road signs. They don't need signs that say "STAY OFF THE SHOULDER!" because they rarely bother with silly things like guard rails. Odds of survival were better in a head on collision than in crashing down that cliff, so sometimes I even took my half of the road straight down the middle. A crazed lunatic waving a gun in my face could not have forced me onto that shoulder.

Traffic was also "PATROLLED BY AIRCRAFT", but being sensible, Colorado does not feel compelled to point this out every 1/2 mile. In Colorado, the bulk of the road sign money goes toward tourist attraction exit signs. Colorado highway signs are the modern equivalent of Stuckey's billboards. In order to boost the state economy, Colorado doesn't want anyone to miss a single opportunity to spend thousands of dollars in gift shop purchases. To illustrate just how sucessful Colorado is at marketing it's gift shops, I'll even admit we paid real money for two bags of rocks.

When we arrived at The Western Cabins, the office was closed and we had to ring the manager to come out from his hiding place and take our money. That was the last time we saw the man or the inside of the office. Perhaps he was hiding in a secret mountain command center with Dick Cheney. We stayed for 5 days and the office was closed the entire time. Leaving messages generated absolutely zero response and we had no clean towels. We finally went to Wal-Mart and bought some. If anyone is making plans to visit the Colorado Springs area, I cannot recommend The No-Towel Motel to those with any an interest in personal hygiene.

It was a lively place, however. We had a visitor almost every evening because we'd put the little kids to bed, leave the door open so that we could hear any unexpected mayhem, and sit outside on the porch to chat. The first night a gentleman came over to ask if we'd seen the manager. They didn't even have hot water in their cabin so they couldn't shower at all. My sister-in-law remarked that they could've borrowed our shower, but we had no towels. I told him to throw all his kids in the pool with a bar of soap in the hope that the manager might appear to investigate a foaming pool.

The second evening we served supper outside on the picnic tables and our cooking drew the unwanted notice of Pepe Le Pue. Amid muffled shrieking and shoving, we all raced through the cabin door like scalded dogs, leaving our supper to the tender mercies of the skunk. Apparently satisfied with our culinary skills, he thankfully didn't spray us or our cabin.

The third evening around midnight, a mini-van pulled up to the next cabin and began to disgorge a tired family and their vacation equipment. A dazed looking gentleman who looked about 17 emerged from the van and unnoticed by his parents, walked across the yard onto our porch. He stared at us for several seconds like we were aliens from outer space, shrugged, and walked into our cabin. Stunned, we leapt out of our chairs, re-enacting our previous evening's mad dash through the cabin door, and there he was, just like Goldilocks, sprawled on top of my bed fast asleep.

While Robin and I kept an eye on our new best friend, Veritas went next door and asked his father to please come and "get your son out of my mom's bed". After Dad retrieved his confused son and left, Robin said this was the craziest vacation she'd ever been on and we all started laughing and couldn't stop for quite some time.

The simple truth is bizarre things like this always happen to me. I'm some sort of cosmic magnet for insanity.

Oops, Change of Plans

After the wedding on Sunday, I'd intended to finish my vacation story and blog about the wedding. However, Gran called and offered to have the little kids come for a visit this week, so we dropped them off on Sunday and headed to the coast for a mini-vacation. We went fishing in the bay, but sadly, we didn't do much catching. I caught a small redfish and about 1000 globs of grass. The grass fought as hard as my puny little fish. Mr. G caught a small trout, but neither fish were keepers. Since it's impossible to filet globs of grass and I have no idea how to prepare grass globs for human consumption, we had to rely on the local economy for sustanance.

We spent three days stuffing our faces in order to monitor the quality of seafood in the Rockport area and I can say without hesitation that everything we ate was very tasty. Amazingly, there wasn't a grass glob entree on a single menu. I suppose everyone else throws their grass back too. Maybe Martha Stewart should look into that.

More later.

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