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Saturday, June 28, 2003

I Always Wished I Was a Man

I just finished reading "A Painted House", by John Grisham. I don't really know about it's "literary quality", but it was the most insightful book I've read this year. It tells the story of my grandparents, both sets, living on the farm picking cotton, and my parents, loving their parents, but longing to get away from the mind-numbing work. I felt as if I'd gone back in time to visit my relatives. I knew every person in this book. I understood my dad's love for the land and need to be on it, but his rejection of the farm and his desire to get away to lead a better life. But he has always wanted to get back to it. This too, makes complete sense to me now.

The grandfather in the book could be my Papa Measles, wiry, obnoxious, shrewd, oddly lovable man, and Grandpa Hogan did the very same thing as far as farming cotton, but he had such a different way about him that I didn't see him as often in the book at first. No one played a guitar with a pocket knife, which Grandpa often did, but he lingered in the back of my mind as I read about the baseball field and the baseball games. He was there, writ large, you just had to look for him. The stories my dad told about how he'd come in from the fields and play baseball with the boys. After he'd whipped 'em for whatever they'd gotten up to, of course! I just hope we still have men like these around. We need 'em.

The grandmother is my Mama. Everytime they set the table in this book I was hungry all day. She's always been my inspiration, not because she could cook, though she could, but because she could run a household, cook, do laundry in conditions we could never imagine, and then go out to the field and pick cotton. How many pounds did she pick a day? The rumors in our family are thick. 100 lbs, 200 lbs. She is such a giant in my mind that anything would be plausible. She might've out picked the men and THEN put her sack up, went home, and cooked supper for everyone. That's why she always said, " I wish I'd been born a man". She might have had time to rest a bit. And Granny Hogan, she did that with a heart condition. And she still picked the cotton, maintained a wonderful garden, and burned every type of meat that they put in the freezer.

What an amazing story. I'm glad I had the good sense to read it. Go buy it now if you wonder what it was really like back then or would like a trip down memory lane.

This dog WILL hunt!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden , that's Where I buried the BODIES.

Love Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

I'll Sign That!
In case we weren't enjoying ourselves, here is a joke or two for the day, or the day you read this!

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too long?
Polaroids.

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack! "Dang!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Dang! "Whack!

What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.

What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce the Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Chuckle at will, but don't forget the downpayment on that next trailer!

Trailer Park Relatives

My oldest son, Viagra, who is ridiculously good-looking, and needless to say didn't read our blog in a timely manner, shop-lifted items from the local grocery store at the age of 10. Items that he stole include a bouncy ball, a candy bar, and Kathy's heart. She still hasn't recovered.
I assured my oldest daughter that I would say something truly awful about her since she neglected to read my new blog in a timely manner, i.e., I had to nag her into doing it. I also assured her that everyone who neglected to read my new blog, and/or didn't let me know how wonderful it is, would be similiarly slimed. So here it is, folks, our new feature:

Trailer Park Relatives

Valentine LIKES cats!

And everyone who doesn't write in the next 24 hours can expect to get the same vile treatment.

Caution! You are entering the "Gran Rant" Zone!

Kofi Annan says the 3rd world needs wireless Internet access.
"This reflects a worldwide lust for technology," Gelsinger said. "We see millions of people with the potential to become wi-fi users."
(Ed. note, is Jimmy Carter involved in this worldwide lusting or can any worldwide citizen join in?) Guess who should pay? And while you're guessing, figure out who should advance the UN $1 billion interest free to refurbish their Manhattan digs?
The U.N.'s two 50-year-old buildings in New York City are basically falling apart — decaying pipes and crumbling ceilings are now commonplace — and the U.N. is seeking an interest-free loan worth more than $1 billion to renovate its headquarters.

Who will pay to fix the 1952 original plumbing, get rid of asbestos and raise security fences? Repairs would cost U.S. taxpayers about $600 million over 30 years.

"It is irrational, it is simply just looking to the United States to pay that which we should not have to pay," Leo Kayser III, former director of the U.N. Development Corporation (search), said. "We have no commitment, there is no legal basis for it."

Hey, they're great at handling money. And they love to handle it.
Thought that was something the entire U.S. needs to hear....we are so stupid to keep paying their bills so they can trash us on every corner...

(This public service announcement has been brought to you by Gran. If you feel you've received this announcement in error, you're wrong.)

Educational and bonding issues
My daughter, Veritas, and I started this weblog because we enjoy seeing and reading interesting things, like to share all the interesting things, and darn it, no one is home when we yell, "Hey, come see this"!! Judging from the avalanche of email we received after starting this blog (two) it's obvious that everyone just loves it!!

It is a learning experience for both of us, so just because we are knit-picking the news, please don't knit-pick us to much at first. I promise we'll do better after we catch up with the learning curve or we could just make it our goal to make sure everyone is offended by something.

One reason this country needs to have a little come-to-Jesus meeting:
A woman who was convicted of murder under a seldom-used Pennsylvania state law for attacking her romantic rival and killing the teenager's fetus was sentenced to seven to 14 years in prison.

In ruling the law constitutional before Wilcott's trial, Judge John Trucilla said that although a pregnant woman can choose to have an abortion, she has no choice in an attack that kills her unborn child.

Let me get this straight. An attacker gets FOURTEEN YEARS in prison for killing this child, but mommy dearest would be perfectly within her rights to do so. Huh?

Here's Your Sign!
When suspected car thief Gordon Moore pulled over on a southern Oregon highway with a flat tire and discovered the stolen vehicle lacked a lug wrench, he naturally sought help from the nearest bystanders.
He walked down to the North Umpqua River where 24-year-old Elizabeth Lambright, her husband and their 4-year-old son were enjoying Father's Day and asked if they might kindly lend him the tool, according to the Douglas County, Ore., News-Review

Unfortunately for Moore, Lambright recognized the 1992 Plymouth Sundance.

She should have, because it belonged to her younger brother, Seth Krieg.
For those of you who haven't heard comedian Bill Engvall, "Here's Your Sign" is part of his stand-up comedy routine. He says don't you just wish stupid people had a sign, "I'm stupid", so you'd immediately know how to deal with them? He then gives examples and says to the stupid people.................Here's your sign!!

My two oldest kiddos worked with Bill Engvall's dad, who is a doctor at Scott and White, when they participated in emergency room re-certification by pretending to be trauma victims. They said he is much funnier than his son. Thankfully, they did fine and he didn't try to give them a sign.


Jesus Saves!

Prisoners who take part in faith-based rehabilitation programs are much less likely to return to a life of crime, according to a new study.
I'd read something on this before, but it bears repeating.

Salesman at the door

Just click here when you're typing up that proposal or gearing up for an important meeting and don't have an appropriate, meaningless catchphrase handy. I speak for all of us here at the guillotine when I say that we are planning to maximize robust synergies, reinvent strategic channels, while visualizing collaborative solutions. Blather on, dude!
What does this have to do with the price of eggs?
This will certainly show them a thing or two:
Getting banned from international table tennis competitions for the rest of the year after refusing to play against an Israeli has made Nabeel Al-Magahwi a sporting hero in Saudi Arabia.

If only more fearless Arab table tennis players would come forward to join the boycott, I'm sure the Middle East Crisis would be solved by, oh, next Friday!

Dying pets are born again

Literally! According to this article scientists are researching pet cloning. The theory is that if your pet is old and decrepit, you can replace it with an exact replica...for a price. They are already putting pet DNA in their "General Savings & Clone" bank, for up to $1,395.

The man behind all of this, John Sperling, funded the first cloning of a housecat at Texas A&M University. After the research team failed to clone a dog, Sperling took his money elsewhere, and opened his own private lab. The A&M research team is now attempting to clone a horse. The horse is due in November.

As I was reading this, I thought to myself "what a great idea!". I mean, if your dear little pet kicks the bucket, replace it. Of course, there are people like my mother who wish the dad-gummed thing was dead already. Just imagine the look on my dear mother's face when, after she murdered the cat in a fit of spite, I brought it home again!

Of course, if they had had this a long time ago, it could have saved the man in Edgar Allan Poe's "The Black Cat" much grief.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Crazy as a cut coon!
In the latest shrewd assessment of our political and economic situation,
California Rep. Barbara Lee (D-Calif.) says the Bush administration is pursuing "white supremacist" policies in America.

"This administration and allies in Congress are rolling back advances in racial equality, economic opportunity and gender equity," Lee said in a speech at the Rainbow/PUSH organization's 32nd annual convention on Monday.
I wonder where this woman lives? Our workforce has always been very racially diverse. Since we received our new tax cut withholding schedules this week, the only thing rolling back around here are federal taxes. I'm not really sure if we employ any gay folks. Here at Guillotine Inc., we have a strict "Just Nail, Don't Tell" policy.

Too windy out there to stack BB's
Here is an interesting update on the escalating violence in Iraq from Strategy Page:
If Baath lost power, the Sunni Arabs who comprise most of the Baath Party, would engage in economic sabotage to increase popular unrest. Attacks on coalition troops, encouraged by cash bounties, would encourage the coalition to engage in reprisal measures that would further increase hatred for the foreigners.

Coupled with this first person account from Baghdad (caution! This site is adult only with profanity) and this bizarre fatwa issued by one of Iraq's mad mullahs, at least we can figure out some of what's going on. They'd better hope the American Street doesn't rise up!

One more reason to climb on the wagon:

A burglar who broke into a Golden Gate home got naked, opened a cold beer and then got caught after the homeowners returned and surprised him, deputies said.


Does anybody in your family know?
Why is it that we spend 18 years raising children to become responsible, hard-working, intelligent people and then, when they are finally able to make a contribution around the house, they leave and usually don't return. And we pay for their departure! Shouldn't we get one or two good years out of them first?

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Obviously this could happen to anyone:

Los Alamos National Laboratory equipment buyer Lillian Anaya thought she was ordering $30,000 worth of transducers. But she dialed a number that had been changed from an industrial equipment dealer to an auto parts shop, and wound up buying a Mustang with government money instead.
I remember the time I ordered pizza and ended up with a mink coat.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

GAYWATCH

There is a new tv show on cable television called "Queer Eye on a Straight Guy" (Something like that). It involves a team of five homosexual men who "makeover" a straight guy, or a room in his home. They were showing a sneak preview of the first episode, in which the gay men "makeover" a guy and his bathroom. They were walking around making comments like "ugh, a straight man's bathroom. Look! sink scum!" "what is up with this shower? no shampoo, no conditioner, just soap!" and "First of all, what is up with your hair?", snide little comments like that.
Now, can you imagine what would happen if they made a show where straight guys made over gay guys? with comments like "ugh, a gay guy's bathroom. what is this mess? potpourri?" "think you got enough gel in your hair, slime head?". There'd be all this controversy about discrimination and how the straight men's comments were inappropriate.
What happened to upholding the constitution, which states that no laws can be made pertaining to only a certain person/race/religion?

Well, I'll Swanny!

This man is living a husband's worst nightmare!
There are consequences to speed dial, but I didn't see the word "axe" in the fine print.

Sunday Go-to-Meetin' Clothes?

Susan Hallowell, the director of the Transportation Security Administration's security laboratory, allows her body to be X-rayed by the 'backscatter' machine at the Transportation Security Administration...

Why is she missing her hair and clothing, but retains her necklace, earrings, and bracelet? All dressed up and no place to go?

hat tip:Cracker Barrel Philosopher



What does this have to do with the price of eggs?

A Martin Sheen fundraising email for Howard Dean:

"Governor Dean spoke out loud and clear against the crisis of community our current President has created at home.............."

I knew my community was in crisis, but I hadn't pinpointed the cause! I was suspicious when I saw Ari Fleischer walking his dog down our block, but now the truth has been revealed. The recent dog poop uproar in our community is the work of sinister Bush agents and they are probably responsible for this too

Fist-fighting neighbors:On the evening of Friday, Sept. 13, police responded to a new incident in what appears to be a long-running dispute between Ballard neighbors.

At 5:30 p.m., a man in his 70s returned home to discover his neighbor on a ladder pruning her bushes and, he said, his as well. (A cut branch was found on the man's driveway.) He asked her to stop at which point, he told police, she became verbally abusive to him. The woman was quickly joined by her husband, who is in his 50s. The couple followed the older man to his front door. When the older man turned around to confront his neighbors, fists started flying. He said his neighbor hit him a couple of times but he didn't think his own punches connected. When police arrived the couple said that the older man had called the wife names.

The husband said when he came out of the house to see what was going on, he saw his neighbor trying to push his wife off her ladder with a metal pole. He responded by going around to the neighbor's yard to protect his wife. The husband said the older man began throwing punches and landed one on his chin - although he almost forgot about it because the older man hit like a "girl."


Wonder if Martin Sheen hits like a girl?

Mister Can Ya Par-a-dime?

If your worried about this upswing of attacks on our troops, we're on the same page. Some of this can be explained by party loyalists, imported terrorists, and mullahs dirtying the water, but some of it can't:

The attack on British forces here that killed six military police officers Tuesday was carried out by a mob of Iraqis enraged that paratroops had sought to patrol the town's market, witnesses and local officials said today.

What kind of people become so unhinged that they are willing to hunt down and kill a few soldiers who came through town? This resembles nothing so much as Lord of the Flies
does Majar al-Kabir.


Maybe this from G. in Baghdad is part of the disconnect.

"Here in Iraq every citizen was provided -since the early days of the regime- with a whole set of lies that gradually became the foundation on which you would build your perceptions of the world outside.

Consequently you end up with two channels, a “channel reality” that is off the air most of the times and “channel rhetoric” a mixture of self-denial, conspiracy theory [apologia] and propaganda.


I certainly hope so, but I'm sure we all hope they get tuned into channel reality mighty quick.

Here's your sign



A Fort Worth, Texas woman has been found guilty of murder. Apparently, she ran over a man in her car, and then proceeded home while he was lodged in her windshield. She pleaded that she hadn't seen him. Honestly, Lady! It's impossible to be that drunk! Then she tried smash out the windshield in order to remove the body. And then, after she got out of her car, she left him there, in her garage, to die. It took the jury only 50 minutes to come to a verdict.

Let's Go Girls!


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